My transformational self-love healing journey.
In September 2014 I made the decision to leave a stressful office job I had had for seven years. Then within a month, I cut an abusive significant other out of my life. Both the stressful job and the abusive person were ways that I experienced what I now call ‘lack.’ I knew I needed both of these changes. I knew they were my only way to happiness and a better life but I had no idea what would happen next.
I had become sick at that office job. I had a severe sinus infection that lasted three months and had developed a constant drumming sound in my left ear. In addition, I was burnt out from adrenal exhaustion. I remember leaving work every weekday and never being able to turn off the stress from the workday, knowing that I’d have to go back first thing in the morning, facing the same difficulties over and over that would never be resolved, listening to customers complain about mistakes that were made that I couldn’t help with. When I announced my departure, I noticed some colleagues seemed to wish they could leave as well, but felt they couldn’t. If you’ve ever worked for a large corporation, you know what I mean. Employees are often stressed out, tired, dissatisfied with their job, but feel there’s no way out. It was similar to how I felt about the customer issues I couldn’t resolve. I knew back then that it didn’t feel right, but felt like “what could I do being at the very bottom of this gigantic corporation?”
This highlights the lack mentality I felt at that job. There were two main ways a large corporation creates a lack mentality in their employees. The first level of lack – feeling small and insignificant. In a large company there are many levels – managers, directors, VP’s, executives, etc. All these levels are seen as more powerful than those below them – the front line workers who interact daily with customers. These more “powerful” employees are more detached from the actual operations of the company and dealing directly with the customers and yet, they make most of the decisions. This creates a general feeling of disempowerment amongst all the front line or first level workers. Most of the staff in a large corporation are front line or first level workers and there are much less management and above positions.
Though most of the staff in a large company are these front-line workers who interact with customers, noticing the same issues go unresolved, instead of banding together and realizing they’re all in the same position, most large companies no longer allow unions. Instead, they create an even more pervasive feeling of disempowerment in their employees, through competition and reviews.
At the company I worked for the theme was, “your work is never enough.” Even if you scored the highest in your department consistently, even if you set a new high score…guess what? Now the minimum score has been raised to that new level you created, so you better keep trying. And it continued on like this. I was there during a year of lay-offs where each quarter a group of people were let go to save the company money. The ones left were expected to produce the same amount of work with less help. I saw firsthand how they systematically chose who was let go and who stayed. They called the ones they kept “adaptable.” What they really meant was that we were pushovers. We didn’t complain, we worked hard, we went over and above when needed and so we were the most profitable for them. And the reason we worked so hard for them was partially because we believed the story they drilled into us. The story that said because your work is never enough, *you* are never enough.
If you’ve studied abusive relationships at all, you may feel the similarities between this company strategy and the strategy of an abusive person. An abusive person is only interested in a relationship for what they get out of it. They put the least amount of effort in, claim that they are giving so much and then always ask more out of you. No matter how much you compromise and sacrifice for them they never acknowledge it. They don’t have the capacity to see you as a full person with feelings, thoughts and needs of your own. They only see you in terms of what you do for them. They see you as an object or a tool for them to use—a possession—instead of a relationship with a real person.
This same perspective can be shared by a company. You can work overtime consistently, have consistent high scores and then do one thing to upset them, like call in sick, and suddenly you’re on a performance development plan. I know this happens in many companies, not just the ones I’ve worked at.
This atmosphere that these companies create, and the mindset they instill in their employees is completely wrong. It’s actually toxic. Why? Because most people working at these jobs aren’t just there to make extra money. They’re there because their job supplies their livelihood – so they can buy groceries, pay their rent or mortgage and basically so they can pay all their expenses.
Let’s recap what I first mentioned.
- They’ve made you feel small and insignificant, basically powerless compared to all those above you.
- They’ve made you compete with those at your level and compete with your own scores, making you feel as though what you are doing is never enough. They make you feel like you constantly need to work harder and faster.
So, why is wrong that a place you work at 40+ hours per week, so you can provide your basic needs and live, makes you feel small, insignificant, powerless and feel like you are never good enough?
Our basic needs are our birthright, not something we should feel we need to “earn” by working hard and struggling for them and definitely not by doing something that goes against our values. These feelings of being small, powerless, not enough and needing to struggle to survive are part of the lack world.
In the world of abundance, you are worthy of your basic needs simply because you exist. In the world of abundance your basic needs do not need to be earned.
When I talk about the abundance world I am talking about our thoughts and our beliefs about ourselves, what we can achieve and how our world operates.
I mentioned earlier that when I left my corporate job three years ago, I was scared. Because I was so programmed into a lack mentality, I couldn’t believe in all the possibilities. I had money saved. I could have taken an expensive trip. But because I was programmed to save as if money would run out, I lived small. I budgeted my money carefully. Not spending a large portion of my savings to jet off to a foreign country had its good points, though. I was able to live off my savings for a long time without needing to work, which gave me time to heal, to tune into and learn about myself without any demands or distractions and to create my new life.
When I left that job and that abusive significant other, I didn’t know where I was going. All I knew was that I was extremely unhappy and something had to change. So, I took action. I started cutting the things out of my life that I knew were not for my highest good – the people and things that were stressful, that drained me and where there wasn’t an equal exchange of energy.
I moved in the next month and I started my healing self-love journey. I didn’t realize self-love would create my new abundant life but I’ve found it is the core component. I started a narcissistic abuse recovery program. It was so painful bringing up all the trauma and abuse again. Finally feeling it and seeing how wrong it was. Body adrenaline doesn’t allow us to process all of our feelings during trauma. They stay stored in the body until we have the time and ability to process them.
I soon stopped the recovery program because it was too painful. I know now that if I had someone back then who is where I am now I could have healed through this part much more quickly. But I also know now that I was meant to heal myself and become a healer from all the research and work I did during that time all by myself. I started slowly doing things for me, like meditation, Tai Chi and dancing. I tried many different healing modalities including Theta healing and Vibrational Healing, but what helped me most was healing with the Angels. I joined lots of meetup groups where different activities and classes were offered. I had seen and looked at Integrated Energy Therapy® once but the woman I contacted was no longer offering sessions. Then I saw it come up again – a certification class for IET – healing with the Angels. I was interested but the class was an hour away and I wasn’t much for driving new places back then (I still don’t enjoy driving to new places.) If you’re a trauma survivor or a highly sensitive person (or both, like me!), you probably know what I mean. I also didn’t consider that I could be a healer back then, though I had looked at another healing program, Awakening the Healer Within. Despite all my doubts, it seemed destiny had to show me my true potential.
One day, I woke up and I remembered my first thought was “if Angels were real they would want us to heal without feeling all the pain.” They would unconditionally love us and treat us lovingly, gently and with great care. That’s when I was called to look at the IET certification program I saw advertised near me, and when I reread it again, I knew I needed to find out more, so I signed up for an informational workshop and meditation. Around the same time, I also had a dream about a ‘Daniel from the Bible’ but the story didn’t match up to the Biblical hero so I wasn’t sure what it meant. The IET info session was only a couple days away so it was truly divine timing that I signed up in time. I was nervous to go there but felt like I had to go check it out. I got lost driving there and was about 15 minutes late. It took me awhile before I could drive new places comfortably. I still don’t love driving to new places but I have gotten much more confident since then.
When I got to the info session, I realized I had gotten there just in time as the meditation had not begun yet. We sat down as a circle and the host had us each pick an Angel Blessing card from a bag before we started the guided meditation. I was the last to pick a card, seated on her left side. It was dimly lit in the rom as we prepared to meditate and it was a small bag so I couldn’t see inside of it. When I looked at the card I chose I was surprised (and yet not surprised) that I got the Angel Daniel card. I realized then that this is what the dream I had about Daniel was telling me. That I was meant to come to this class to not only heal myself but learn how to help others heal.
Realizing I was an Angel Channel and Healer and that the Angels really are real and around us all the time giving us signs, encouragement, healing and messages was my first step into my new life of abundance.
- I felt supported. I no longer felt alone.
- I found out there was a reason why I was so unhappy and unfulfilled in my old job. Because I was meant for something else. That that strong feeling that I had a purpose to help people was real and not just a daydream or a wish as others had previously told me.
- This made me see how there are options in the world. That we don’t have to stay stuck in a job that we dislike because “it’s the only way.” It’s not the only way. We can follow our life purpose, our soul mission. We can follow that small inner voice inside us and it will lead us to true happiness and fulfillment.
- I felt unconditional love and support. I finally saw that I could release all the pain and trauma from the past without having to relive it. If you are familiar with PTSD you know the sufferers most want to stop feeling the pain because it is excruciating. With the narcissistic abuse recovery program I joined it was based on feeling the pain completely again. I’m not saying we should avoid our feelings, not in the least. But what I am saying is that we don’t need to relive the trauma in order to release it. We can release it in a gentler way. And I found that way with the help of the Angels when I found Integrated Energy Therapy®.
- The other bonus I found with IET is that it’s not just about releasing the trauma or energy blocks. It also replaces those energies with supportive and empowering energies. And it aligns you with your life purpose which is something I knew I had since I was young.
The main reason why I’m sharing my story is to encourage you and tell you that you don’t have to stay struggling in a stressful job that you find unfulfilling. I can help you connect with, and release the fear that is preventing you from believing in, your true heart and soul desires; support you in feeling worthy of them, and in feeling powerful and capable enough to take action towards them. I did this myself and now I am helping others do the same.